Marauders & Snape vs Oregon
by madamefaust
Summary: MWPP and Snape play Oregon Trail. Some summary eh? It's much better than I make it sound, believe me. It's kind of the same thing as my other HP fic, so if you like that you'll like this one. Note: Peter-friendly
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: None of the Harry Potter characters are mine and the Oregon Trail Game belongs to The Learning Company or Mattel, whoever wants it. 

AN: Yeah I know O-Trail wasn't around in the 70s or 80s, whenever the Marauders were at school and that James probably didn't have a computer, humor me. Also, once the game gets going James's words will be in ^ these^, Snape's in *these*, Sirius's in (these), Peter's in these and Remus in ~these~. Anyone concerned about my fic 'Once, That's Where All The Trouble Started', I haven't given up on it, I've started the next chapter, I just need to get around to finishing it. Just in case you were wondering this takes place in the summer between 4th and 5th year. James and Snape are cousins ^Second cousins, hardly related at all.^ yeah, which is why Snape's at James's. Now we will start with the line that usually delivers the guys into the hands of disaster as always said by Sirius:

"I'm bo-ored!" Sirius whined. 

            "Your always bored," Remus pointed out.

            "And when he's not bored, we're usually getting detention," Peter said.

            "Well, we can't do anything detention worthy while it's here," James said, flopping onto his bed.

            "I would prefer if you didn't refer to me as 'it'," Snape said, glaring.

            "Well, we don't really care," Remus said. "When's it leaving, James?"

            "Not until after supper when its parents come back from Edinburgh."

            "I'm still bored." Sirius piped up.

            "Good for you," James said, heaving a sigh. His mum had issued a strict warning that if she came up there and found out they'd killed Snape all of them would be in very serious trouble.

            "What's that thing?" Remus asked, pointing to a box-like thing on James's desk.

            "S'called a computer. My aunt gave it to me for my birthday, she's a big fan of muggle stuff."

            "Does it do anything?" Peter asked.

            "Probably not," Snape said. "The muggles can never do anything right."

            "Shove it Snape," the four other boys said automatically. 

            "She gave me a game to play on it, but I've never figured out how to make it work," James said. "I pressed the little buttons, but nothing's happened."

            Peter walked to the other side of the desk. "Think this might be the problem?" he asked, holding up the plug.

            "Possibly…"James said, sheepishly.

            "Nice to know two years of Muggle Studies paid off," Remus said with a grin.

            "Aw," Sirius said. "You know he doesn't take the class to learn anything. He does it for the study sessions with Lily."

            "That's what they're studying?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows and feigning surprise. "I thought it was anatomy." He then ducked being hit by James's pillow. "Well you two could be a little more quiet. We can hear you all the way up in the dorm."

            "What?!" James said, starting to turn scarlet.

            "It's true, you sound like hippos wallowing in the mud," Sirius said, he was immediately pounced on by James.

            "If you're quite finished," Snape said. "Pettigrew's got the damn thing working."

Welcome to the Oregon Trail!

(Thanks, happy to be here.)

*Speak for yourself.*

You're about to begin a great adventure,

~^(Whoo-hoo!)^~

*::Massages his temples::*

traveling the Oregon Trail across the rugged landscape of North America.

(How? Apparition? Isn't this supposed to be a muggle thing?)

It's a game, you prat. We're pretending.

(Oh! Alright then.)

Your covered wagon, pulled by a team on oxen will travel from Independence, Missouri, to the fertile Willamette Valley in the Oregon Territory-

^I'm just going to nod like all of that made sense.^

-a journey of approximately 2,000 miles.

*I find it hard to imagine this is anyone's idea of fun.*

~People in America did it all the time in the 1800s, they walked most of the way too.~

Why would anyone do that?

~Any number of reasons, better farmland, a chance to start a new life, wanting to make money.~

(Thank you Remus, walking encyclopedia.)

Before you set off on the trail, you must register your name, the names of the members of your wagon party and your occupation. After that you'll need to buy supplies and make other important decisions.

Good luck!

^Why do I have the feeling we'll need it…?^

So…You like, you don't like. Leave me a review, it makes me happy. I'll try to get the next bit up tonight. I'll divide the chapters up by landmarks.


	2. Choose Your Wagon Party

**Choose your Wagon Party**

**Name: **

(::Sirius bumps Peter away from the keyboard and types his name in::)

**Sirius**

^Hey! Why do you get to lead it?^

(Cos I said so.)

~Why do we have to listen to you?~

(I'm God, that's why.)

*Excuse me? What makes you God?*

I've been wondering that myself actually.

(…As God I do not have to answer the questions of you mortals, so there! ::Sticks his tongue out::)

Nice to know we've got a mature God…

**Party Members:**

**Sara**

**Mary**

**James**

**Joey**

~One out of three.~

(Unless one of you wants to change your name to Sara or Mary.)

^Snape's middle name is close.^

~What is it?~

^It's-^

*You tell them and I hex you beyond recognition.*

::Peter types in their real names

**Remus **

**Peter**

**James**

until he gets to…

**The Slimy Git**

luckily Snape is too preoccupied with the middle name crisis to notice::

**Occupations:**

**Banker**

**Blacksmith**

**Carpenter**

**Doctor**

**Farmer**

**Merchant**

**Saddlemaker******

**Teacher**

Hey guys, what're we good at?

*You mean besides being the biggest idiots in the whole of Britain?*

Yeah, besides that.

~Just say we're doctors, make our mums proud.~

Alright.

*Wait! What's that-*

::Clicks OK::

**You need to decide when to set off on the trail.**

*How about not at all?*

**If you leave too early there won't be much grass for your oxen to eat.**

*What a tragedy.*

**You may encounter some very cold weather and late spring snowstorms.**

^Well, that doesn't sound like much fun.^

**But if you leave too late, you may not get to ****Oregon**** before winter, which can be very dangerous.**

(If that happens, we can just eat Snape.)

~After we wash him.~

(Well that goes without saying.)

Either way we end up cold.

(Being cold builds character.)

**If you leave at just the right time, there will be green grass and, for the most part, mild weather.**

^Yeah, "for the most part".^

**When do you want to leave?**

~I vote April.~

(Let's go early, I say March.)

~We'll freeze to death. Remember "late spring snowstorms"?~

He's got a point.

(Well, as God I say we go in March ::clicks it before the others can object::)

**Matt's General Store**

(Oh! We can buy stuff?)

*Yes, it said we needed supplies, weren't you paying attention?*

^He has a five second memory.^

(::Five seconds later:: Oh! We can buy stuff?)

~See?~

(Let's buy a million oxen!)

We can only buy 20.

(Let's do that then.)

~They're $20.00 a piece.~

(How much is that in normal money?)

~Erm…15 galleons, give or take. And we've only got about 950 galleons.~

(Damn. Can we get 10?)

^Sure.^

How much clothing?

(Four of us and the git…eight sets?)

^Sounds about right.^

*::glares::*

(What's a bullet?)

~It's a little round thing muggles put in these wand things to kill each other.~

(Oh. What'll we need 'em for?)

~::Reading the directions:: To hunt for food.~

(Let's get 37 boxes.)

^Why 37?^

(I like it.)

Spare parts?

~What's the maximum?~

Three of each.

~With Sirius in charge? Get the three.~

Food?

*With Black? How much can we get?*

(Haha.)

I'll get 500 pounds.

^Isn't that muggle money? See I remember stuff.^

~Yeah, but Americans use it to measure stuff.~

^Oh. How do you know all this?^

~It's a gift.~

**::The music comes on::**

(Jeez! What's that?)

^::Falls off the bed::^

~Almost gave me a heart attack!~

*Almost? Too bad.*

~Shove it Snape.~    


	3. Kansas River Crossing

**March 1, 1848******

**We started down the trail with:**

**10 oxen**

(On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 10 oxen)

^And a partridge in a pear tree.^

**8 sets of clothing**

(On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 8 sets of clothing,)

^10 oxen and a partridge in a pear tree.^

**740 bullets**

(On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 740 bullets,)

~8 sets of clothing,~

^10 oxen and a partridge in a pear tree.^

**3 wagon wheels**

(On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me 3 wagon wheels,)

740 bullets,

~8 sets of clothing,~

^10 oxen and a partridge in a pear tree.^

**3 wagon axles**

(On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 wa-agon axles!)

^3 wagon wheels,^

740 bullets,

~8 sets of clothing,~

^10 oxen and a partridge in a pear tree.^

**3 wagon tongues**

(On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 3 wagon tongues,)

~3 wa-agon axles!~

^3 wagon wheels,^

740 bullets,

~8 sets of clothing,~

^10 oxen and a partridge in a pear tree.^

**500 pounds of food **

(On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 500 pounds of food,)

3 wagon tongues,

~3 wa-agon axles!~

^3 wagon wheels,^

740 bullets,

~8 sets of clothing,~

^10 oxen-^

~^(And a pa-artri-idge in a pear ::insert very high falsetto:: _treeeee!)^~_

*::thinks:: Someone kill me now.*

(::still using falsetto:: _Oh what a beautiful mo-orning! Oh what a beautiful da-ay!)_

*Shut up, or I curse all of you into oblivion.* 

~God, this computer music's terrible.~

(I know, sorry though, nothing I can do about it.)

*You aren't God Black.*

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I a-agree with Snape.

(Blasphemers! I cast down all the flames on hell upon you!)

^He's actually done it Peter, the it's still here isn't it?^

*::glare::*

**March 2, 1848******

**Snowstorm.**** Lost 1 day.**

^(Damn!)^

~You know, I'm not one to say I told you so-aw, who am I kidding? I told you so!~

**March 3, 1848******

**Snowstorm.**** Lost 1 day.**

(Shut up Remus.)

**March 5, 1848******

(I wanna hunt!)

*Stop whining Black.*

(I don't whine! I complain in a high-pitched voice, totally different thing.)

~Go ahead and hunt, s'probably too cold to catch anything, though.~

**We didn't have any luck this hunting trip! We returned to the wagon empty-handed.**

~What'd I tell you?~

(I'm just too…intimidating, that's all.)

**March 6, 1848******

**James has a broken arm.**

(You great prat! How'd you manage that?)

^I dunno, you probably pushed me off the wagon.^

(Nah, if I was going to push anyone off it'd be the git.)

~::reading instructions:: It says if someone's sick or injured you should take time off.~

Shall we rest, then?

*For Potter's sake? No.*

**We decided to rest for 2 days.**

*But I said-*

(Snape, you ought to know by now, whenever you want to do something, we do the opposite.)

*::glares::*

**March 10, 1848******

**James has a broken leg.**

~(::Burst out laughing::)~

~God…you're worse than Peter!~

Hey!

(Well we aren't resting again. You've already cost us too much time.)

*You're taking this far too seriously. Oh, no.*

^Can he take it any other way?^

*Forget I said anything.*

~We'd like nothing more, believe me.~

**March 11, 1848******

**We have arrived at the ****Kansas River**** Crossing.**

^Cool. What now?^

~::reading the instruction book again:: We can ford the river-~

^(Huh?)^

~Walk into the water with the oxen and everything.~

(Let's do that then.)

~It's almost seven feet deep.~

(Oh.)

~We could float the stuff across, but that makes the wagon a bit tipsy. Or we could just pay some money and wait a few days for a ferry.~

^I vote ferry.^

I second.

(I third and, as Snape doesn't count,-)

*::glares::*

(-ferry it is.)

What will happen to our heros? Will they drown? Will Sirius ever be able to hunt? Will Snape's face get stuck like that? Leave a review and you'll find out. 


	4. Big Blue River

AN: Whew, took me long enough to update, eh? Sorry about that been busy and the stupid O-Trail game erased half me journal entries. But never fear! It's back.

**March 15, 1848******

That's it? A little pile of logs? We're going to drown, oh G- my. I can't watch ::covers his eyes:: {AN- I always do that when I get to a river.}

(::looks up suddenly:: Did anyone else hear that voice?)

^Who, Peter?^

(No, sounded like a girl.)

^Who, Peter?^

Hey!

~Sirius are the little people in your head bothering you again?~

(Remus, how many times do I have to tell you; I don't hear voices, I am the voices.) {AN: Too right you are.}

(There it is again! Who is that?) {AN: Oops, must be quiet now…shhh…}

Sir, did you take your medication this morning?

(What medication?)

*As riveting as this conversation is-*

^::mutters:: Mostly 'cos you weren't talking.^

*-could we possibly get back to the stupid box thing.*

~Why Snapey, are you enjoying yourself?~

*Not in the least, I want to get it over with.*

**The ferry got our party and wagon across safely.**

You mean the bunch of logs?

~Maybe they were magic logs…then again, maybe not.~

(Can I hunt now?)

^Knock yourself out.^

*Please do.*

(Hehe. C'mon li'l animals Sirius won't hurt you… Oi! Big hairy thing! Die! Hahaha! Oh, deer! Prepare to meet your maker! Hey, d'you think I could get Snape with this? Nah, dammit, no people.)

**March 16, 1848******

**We shot 374 pounds of meat but were able to carry back on 200 pounds of meat.**

(I am the God of Hunting! Bow before me! Tremble!)

~Hey, that looks like fun, let me try.~

**March 17, 1848******

**We didn't have any luck on this hunting trip! We reurn to the wagon empty handed.**

~Damn, oh well. Not my fault Sirius killed everything. Let's go.~

**Peter was lost for three days.**

*Nice job Pettigrew, I knew this was bound to happen, you get lost often enough at school.*

~^(Shut it Snape.)^~

**We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.**

(Can I hunt again?)

^You just did, my turn. ::again, tries to see if there's some way to kill off Snape, but fails:: Oh well, what do we have here? Oh, hairy thing! Oi! Where'd it go? Ah-ha, you can't escape that easy! Yeah! Gotcha! Oh look there's another one! Eat dirt! Oh look a precious bunny, haha! Dead! Silly rabbit. ^ {AN What? Bullets are for kids?}

(There it is again! You guys didn't hear it?)

Hear what?

(The voi-ice.)

~There he goes with the whining again.~

(It's not whini-ing!)

^Would you shut up! I'm trying to kill things here. Oh squirrel! Bullseye!^

**We shot 534 pounds of meat but were only able to carry back 200 pounds of meat.**

^I kick arse! Bow before ME Sir!^

(Beginners luck.)

Like you've been doing it so much longer.

(I'm three and a half minutes on this rookie.) 

**March 25, 1848******

**We have arrived at the ****Big Blue River**** Crossing.**

(Another river?)

^Can we take the ferry.^

Also known as the magical logs.

~Er…Nope, not here, our best bvet would be to float.~

*Just don't kill us Lupin.*


	5. Fort Kearney

**March 26, 1848******

**We had no trouble floating the wagon across.**

**Heavy fog.Lost 1 day.**

^Remus if you say one word I am ramming my socks down your throat.^

~::wisely keeps quiet::~

**March 27, 1848******

**Heavy fog.Lost 1 day.**

^Not a word.^

(Prongs, what's that thing up top for?)

^Why are you asking me? Ask Remus, the walking Oxford's Dictionary.^

You know half the words in Oxford's were submitted by a crazy person.

::crickets::

Just thought I'd share.

~Well, apparently if the wagon's too heavy you can get rid of stuff.~

(::eyes light up:: Like Snape?)

*Like Black?*

~Like no people, just stuff.~

*(Damn)* 

**April 2, 1848******

**An ox is sick.**

(Oh no! Not Gracie!)

~^* Who?*^~

(Gracie! My darling Gracie, we have to rest for her!)

^You idiot, the ox isn't real!^

(You insensitive dolt! My Gracie is in pain!)

**We decided to rest for 4 days.**

Four days?!

~For a non-existant ox?!~

(Shut up, you'll give her a complex.)

*Apparently she won't be the only one.*

**April 4, 1848******

**We lost 11 pounds of food due to spoilage.**

Can I have a go at hunting?

~Sure, fine by me.~

*Pettigrew? Hunting? He'll shoot himself...on second thought...let him have a go.*

****

**April 9, 1848******

**We shot 1057 pounds of meat but were able to carry back only 200 pounds of meat.**

~^*(::stunned silence::)*^~

(Holy shit...)

^Peter, you're a bloody homicidal maniac. Great job!^

~::Whistles::~

Shoot myself, eh, Snape?

**April 10, 1848******

**James is well again.**

*This day just couldn't get any worse.*

**We have reached ****Fort********Kearney****.**

(::Slams his head against the table:: Make the awful music stop!) 


	6. Chimney RockFort Laramie

**April 11, 1848******

**    We took the wrong trail and lost 4 days.**

^Ten galleons says Peter had the map.^

Hey!

~Pete, you may be brilliant at hunting, but even you've got to admit you're shit at directions.~

Well, isn't Sirius the leader? By rights he should've been holding the map.

(I had to steer the oxen!) 

^::shudders:: I just got a very scary mental picture of a cow and an ox…I can't say it.^

~Please don't.~

**April 16, 1848******

**    Heavy fog.  Lost 1 day.**

^Remus-^

~I wasn't going to say anything...much.~

**April 17, 1848******

**    Heavy fog.  Lost 1 day.**

^::puts a hand over the lower half of Remus's face::^

April 24, 1848

    Heavy fog.  Lost 1 day.

~::Bites James's hand::~

^Yeow!^

~Serves you right! I couldn't breathe.~

*That's a bad thing?*

^::James doesn't seem to care:: Oh, do I get-^

~No.~

*Does he get what?*

(A lap dance by you.)

*::Lunges at Sirius who hops off the bed sending Snape slamming to the floor.::*

Mrs Potter- Everything alright up there?

James- Fine mum, Snape had a bit too much tequi-

Mrs Potter- I don't want to hear it, just keep quiet up there!

**April 27, 1848******

**    We have reached Chimney Rock.**

(And now there's singing! Why?)

They new you were coming and wanted to hack you off?

~Must be it.~

**April 30, 1848******

**    We have reached  ****Fort****Laramie****.**

(::hits his head on the wall in time to the music::)

Don't do that, you'll get brain damage.

~Peter, think about it, could his brain be any more damaged?~

I see your point.

**    Bad water.**

^Give it to Snape.^


	7. Independence Rock

**May 2, 1848******

**    Heavy fog.  Lost 1 day.**

~::whistles innocently::~

**May 4, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**    No grass for the oxen.**

(Oh no! Bessy, Gracie, Lulu, Charlie, Reginald, Junior Sirius, Quidditch, Carrie, Polly, Stephan!)

~^*Who?*^~

(The oxen!)

~You named an oxen Quidditch?~

^Makes sense to me.^

*It would.*

You named an oxen Junior Sirius?

~You want him to be traumatized?~

    **We lost 5 pounds of food due to spoilage.**

~Alright, I'm trying my hand at hunting again.~

**May 5, 1848******

~Oh, nice area. Come to me little woodland creatures and seal your fate...~

**    We shot 26 pounds of meat.**

~Goddammit.~

^You just aren't a killer Remus.^

(Peter is.)

^I know and I'm still having trouble sorting that out.^

    **No water.**

At least it can't get any worse.

(Peter! Shut up!)

Why.

~Peter, whenever someone says "it can't get any worse it always does.~

^Everyone knows that.^

*I didn't.*

(You aren't everyone.)

*What am I then?*

^A pain in the arse.^

*::glares::*

~Oh come on Snape, you set yourself up for that one.~

  **Broken wagon wheel.******

(See! What did I tell you!)

    **We couldn't fix the wagon wheel, but we replaced it from supplies.**

**May 10, 1848******

**    No water.**

^Thanks for telling us, don't want to get our hopes up and all.^

{Just wait til you all end up dying right before Oregon.}

(There it is again!)

^There what is?^

(The voice!)

~Sirius, there is no voice.~

(How do you know? I'm the one hearing it!)

*Well you aren't exactly the poster child for sanity.*

(Oh, and you are?)

**May 12, 1848******

**    We found some wild fruit.**

~^(Yeah!)^~

*You're that excited over fruit?*

It's the little things.

    **Bad water.******

~Better than no water.~

**May 13, 1848******

**    No water.**

~Spoke too soon.~    

**We found an abandoned wagon containing:**

**     35 bullets**

~^(Whoo-hoo!)^~

(We love bullets!)

*You're all going to end up in Azkaban before you're twenty.*

**May 14, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**    We lost the trail for 5 days.**

^How do you lose a trail?^

(Misplace it?)

*Pettigrew could probably manage it. He could lose his head.*

Hey, that was only once!

^It was Sirius's fault too.^   

**Peter has the measles.**

~Shall we rest?~

(Sure.)

**May 16, 1848******

**    We decided to rest for a day.**

One day? The ox got three.

**May 17, 1848******

**    James is sick with typhoid fever.**

(That's what the voice said!)

~Oh God, are you still on about that?~

(Yes! Oh nice of you to finally recognize me as God, but yeah! The voice said we were all going to die!)

~A you aren't God, B don't believe everything you hear.~

**May 20, 1848******

**   We decided to rest for a day**.

^Alright, so Peter and me are worth less than a nonexistant ox?^

~Apparently.~

Why isn't Snape getting sick?

~All that grease, not clean enough for germs.~

*::glares::*

**May 23, 1848******

**    We have reached ****Independence**** Rock.**

(::Drops to the floor and starts twitching::)

Anyone else notice that most of the landmarks are rocks?

^Yeah, the pioneers must've been going mad by the time they got this far.^

Must've been.    

~::looks at Sirius on the floor:: And here's living proof.~

**Bad water.******


	8. South Pass

**May 24, 1848******

**    Peter is well again.**

^What about me?^

*What about you?*

    **Bad water.******

~I'm getting really sick of this.~

**May 25, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

(Very repetative.)

^You can say that again.^

(Very repetative.)

**May 26, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

I vote we ignore it.

~^(I agree.)^~

*Apparently I'm not allowed to have an opinion.*

~Too right you aren't.~    

**James was near death, **

*Yes!*

**but**** the doctor was able to help.**

*Shit.*

^Erm, guys anyone else notice our health is "very poor"?^

~Yeah, might have something to do with not having any food.~

(As God of the Hunt I shall go forthith andtih huntith forith usith!)

**May 27, 1848******

**    We shot 4 pounds of meat.**

(Well, we're in the middle of the bloody desert, what did you expect?)

What do we do?

~We can trade for food.~

^Trade what?^

~Stuff.~

(Thanks a bunch Captain Accuracy.)

~You're welcome.~    

**We traded 1 wagon axle for 50 pounds of food.**

Don't we need that?

~We've got 3.~

Oh.

    **We traded 1 wagon axle for 60 pounds of food.**

^Nice job Remus.^    

**Bad water.******

**    The Slimy Git has cholera.**

*The what?!*

Hehe, how'd that get in there? ::whistles innocently::

*Change it!*

~Can't sorry.~

*::glares::*

**May 28, 1848******

**    We shot 20 pounds of meat.**

(Nice Jimmy.)

    **Peter has a fever.**

May 29, 1848

Wait, we aren't resting at all?

(Not time.)

::mumbles:: Bet you'd have time for the oxen.

^I think this game's getting to Peter, he's jealous of a fictional ox.^

    **James is well again.**

^This from before? Jeez, took long enough.^

**May 30, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**June 1, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**June 2, 1848******

**    We found some wild fruit.**

~And there was much rejoicing.~

^(Yea.)^    

**No water.**

~And there was not much rejoicing.~

^(Boo.)^

**June 3, 1848******

**    Peter died of cholera.**

I'm dead?!

~Why couldn't it have been Snape?~

(::throws his arms around Peter:: Nooo! You can't die before Snape!)

^It's a game Sirius.^

(N-no it isn't!)

*You are such an idiot, Black.*

**June 5, 1848******

**    The Slimy Git is well again.**

(Why?! Why?! Why?!)

*::glares::*

**June 6, 1848******

**    We have arrived at the South Pass.**

(Snape isn't dead, Peter is and there's horrible music. I hate this game.)

~Alright, we can take a short-cut or buy stuff, which do you choose?~

^Short-cut.^

(Short-cut.)

I'm dead, can I say anything?

~You may be dead but we value your opinion more than we do Snape's.~

*::glares::*

Alright then short-cut.

~That's settled.~


	9. Soda Springs

{Quick Disclaimer: I do not own 'The Lumberjack Song' that's property of the Pythons and if you don't know who I'm referring to I don't want you to read this no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!} 

**June 8, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

(No! B-)

^Let's not start that again.^

**    Remus has dysentery.**

(The voice was right...)

^Shut up about the voice, there is no voice.^

**June 9, 1848******

**    No water.**

**June 10, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**June 13, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

^Don't even think about it.^

**June 15, 1848******

**    Heavy fog.  Lost 1 day.**

**June 17, 1848******

**    We found an abandoned wagon containing:**

**     32 bullets**

(Yea! More bullets!)

**    Bad water.**

**June 18, 1848******

**    Remus is well again.**

~And there was much rejoicing.~

^(Yay.)^

*Boo.*

  **Heavy fog.**  Lost 1 day.****

**June 19, 1848******

**    We have arrived at the ****Green River**** Crossing.**

(::Put his hands over his ears and hums loudly, unfortunately, he's humming the song that's playing::)

~Should we-?~

^(Ferry.)^

~Alright.~

**June 24, 1848******

**    The ferry got our party and wagon safely across.**

Once again the magic logs save the day.

(And d'you know who we have to thank for those logs?)

~Uh-oh. Why did Lily have to let him near the telly? Why?~

*What?*

~You'll see…well, hear…~

(C'mon lads! Who?)

::sigh:: The lumberjack.

(That's right! And d'you know what?)

^::sigh:: What?^

(I…I want to be… A LUMBER JACK!

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!  
The Larch!  
The Pine!  
The Giant Redwood tree!  
The Sequoia!  
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!  
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,  
I sleep all night and I work all day.)

~^::giving in:: 

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.^~

(::Grinning. He's won:: 

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,  
I go to the lava-try.  
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'  
And have buttered scones for tea.)

~^He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,  
He goes to the lava-try.  
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'  
And has buttered scones for tea.

::The boys are getting into it. Snape looks at them with a combination of horror, shock and yet more horror::

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.^~

(I cut down trees, I skip and jump,  
I like to press wild flowers.  
I put on women's clothing,  
And hang around in bars.)

~^He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,  
He likes to press wild flowers.  
He puts on women's clothing  
And hangs around.... In bars???????

::Snape does a major double take, think the French Taunter in Holy Grail::

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.^~

(I chop down trees, I wear high heels,  
Suspendies and a bra.  
I wish I'd been a girlie  
Just like my dear papa.)

~^He cuts down trees, he wears high heels  
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????  
::spoken::

 What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!  
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy.....^~

^Dear Sir,  
I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms about the previous entry in this file about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Some of  
my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a FEW of them are transvestites.  
Yours faithfully,  
Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.  
P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the radio times.^

~^(::bow::)^~

*::shaking his head:: You're barking…the lot of you…*

**No water.**

**June 25, 1848******

**    We found an abandoned wagon containing:**

**     3 sets of clothing**

**     37 bullets**

**     1 wagon wheel**

^What luck!^

(Maybe the voice feels sorry for us.)

~There. Is. No. Bloody. Voice.~

    **Remus has a fever.**

~Again?~

(You insulted the voice. She's having her revenge.)

*Voices have genders?*

(This one does.)

**June 26, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**June 27, 1848******

**    No water.**

**June 28, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

^No Sirius.^

(I'll bet the voice likes the oxen.)

^Sirius the voice doesn't exist. Like your sanity.^ 

    **James has the measles.**

(Don't say I didn't warn you.)

^Er...^

**June 29, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

^The poor, dear oxen.^

~James, don't tell me your buying into this!~

^Well, the voice...^

**June 30, 1848******

**    We found an abandoned wagon containing:**

**     1 set of clothing**

**     2 wagon axles**

^The voice is good, the voice is great.^

T-the voice is lovely.

~Peter!~

Maybe she can get me out of oblivion.

~::sighs::~

*I for one agree with Lupin, you're all mad.*

~Snape agrees with me?.... I prostrate myself before you, oh voice!~

*Idiots. I'm surrounded by idiots.*

**July 1, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**July 2, 1848******

**        James was near death, but the doctor was able to help.**

*Just let him die dammit!*

{Janet!}

(Who is Janet oh great and mystical voice?)

^The voice spoke?^

~What'd it say?~

What'd it say?

{I'm outta my head oh hurry hurry or I may be dead, they musn't carry out their evil deeds!}

(Something about a person named Janet, heads and death.)

**July 3, 1848******

**    No water.**

**July 5, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

NO!

~Save the oxen!~

**July 6, 1848******

**    Remus is well again.**

^Praise the voice!^

*::groans::*

**July 9, 1848******

**    James is well again.**

**    We found some wild fruit.**

^Oh great voice!^

(Oh loving voice!) 

    **We have reached Soda Springs.**

(Alright this music is not only stupid, it doesn't make any sense.)

*Just like you?*

(Exactly-hey!)

~Voice! Smite him down!~

But only if it is your will.

~Oh yeah, right.~


	10. Fort Hall

{One more quicky disclaimer: I don't own either of the songs I parodied and I don't want them. If certain parts in this chapter offend some religious groups of people who like the so-called "Christian rock", sorry ahead of time.}

Quick recap of my little character code: 

Remus is ~ ~

Sirius is ( )

James is ^ ^

Peter is 

Snape is * *

The Voice, aka me, is { }

**Bad water.******

**    We lost the trail for 2 days.**

^Where did we find it?^

(Your back pocket.)

~Not surprising considering the time-~

^Don't tell the story!^

~But, it's so funny-~

^Stuff it, or I'll tell about the time when you were in the Charms corridor and McGonagall-^

~Alright! I'll clam up.~

    **We lost 34 pounds of food due to spoilage.**

**July 10, 1848******

**Remus has a fever.**

~No! Voice, save me!~

(::a la a TV evangelist, even with a cheesy southern accent:: Do you believe in the power of the Voice!)

~::also with southern accent:: Yes! Save me Voice!~

(Do you want to receive the Voice!)

~Yes! I believe! I believe!~

(Let the power of the Voice come over you and the glory of the Voice shine around you and you shall be sav-ed!)

~Amen Voice!~

^Alleluia!^

::singing:: Go down voice! Way down to Remus's head! Tell 'ol fever to let our Remus go!

*::edges away::*

~Ihay eelfay hetay owerpay ofhay hetay oiceVay!~

(He speaks in tongues! The Voice is with us now ::hold up a copy of 'Quidditch Through the Ages:: Bless this most holy book oh Voice!)

^::singing and swaying:: Shine Voice, oh shine! Fill this room with your power and glory!^

(::puts his hands on Remus's head:: Receive the power of the Voice!)

~::falls to the ground in a overly-dramatic swoon::

(::does the same to James and Peter::)

^::fall to the ground::^

(::turns to Snape, hands raised::)

*Oh no! Absolutely not! ::runs to the door::*

Mrs Potter: What are you doing up there? 

James: ::sits up:: Nothing!

Mrs Potter: Whatever it is I can hear you all the way down here. Knock it off! You aren't hurting Severus, are you?

Sirius: We're trying to save his soul-

Remus: ::with a hand over Sirius's mouth:: No! We're sorry for bothering you. We'll shut up.

Mrs Potter: Thank you.

**July 12, 1848******

**    We lost the trail for 2 days.**

~Now where'd we find it?~

(Peter's trunk.)

*I thought Pettigrew was dead.*

^He is, but no one said we couldn't take his stuff after he kicked the bucket.^

Glad to know I'm being helpful.

**July 17, 1848******

**    No water.**

**    We have reached Fort Hall.**

(Oh I like this song! Skip to my lou my darling! Lou lou, skip to my lou! Lou lou-)

^::smothers Sirius with a pillow::^


	11. Snake River Crossing

**    Remus got lost.  Thankfully, we found Remus alive after 4 days.**

The voice will prevail!

^The Voice knows! The Voice hears!^

~The Voice guides!~

^Ooh, good one, Remus.^

~Thank you.~

**James has dysentery.**

^Voice I am yours!^

*I have had it up to here with the voice! There is no voice except in your idiot heads!*

(Oh, you'll regret that.)

**July 18, 1848******

**    We found some wild fruit.**

**July 20, 1848******

**    Remus is well again.**

*If anyone says this is the work of the voice or some of the same crap I will personally tear your throat out.*

**July 22, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**An ox wandered off for 3 days.**

(Lulu! She's too little to be off by herself.)

**July 28, 1848******

**    James is well again.**

Pr-

*Not a word Pettigrew!*

::squeaks::

**July 29, 1848******

**    We found some wild fruit.**

*I suppose this is the work of the bloody voice too.*

~He's coming around.~

*::Rubs his temples::*

**No water.**

**July 30, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

*Black! I am warning you!*

(Someone woke up on the wrong side of the coffin this morning.)

*Argh! Look, I am not a vampire.*

^Says you.^

*I'm not!*

(That's exactly what you would say if you were a vampire!)

*I can assure you, if I were a vampire you would all be dead right now.*

Not Re-

~::shoots him a look::~

-ally. What I mean is…er, we'd be undead! Yeah, that works.

*D'you really think if I were a vampire I would want you lot hanging about forever?*

(Yes I do Snape, I think once you unleash your hidden passion for-)

*Black if you finish that sentence, I will kill you.*

~More to the point Sirius, _I_ will kill you.~

(::Shuts up for once::)

**August 4, 1848******

**    Remus has a broken arm.**

~Jeez, harsh. I haven't even insulted the V-::sees slightly manic look in Snape's eyes::-erm...fallen recently...~

**  No grass for the oxen.**

**August 5, 1848******

**    Bad water.**

**    We lost 18 pounds of food due to spoilage.**

**August 6, 1848******

**    The Slimy Git has a broken leg.**

Ha! That's what you get for insulting the voice!

*::glares::*

^(We told you!)^

*This doesn't prove anything! Lupin broke his arm and he worshipped the damn thing!*

~That mightn't have had anything to do with the Voice.~

^Yeah, Remus might just be naturally clumsy.^

(Nah, that's Peter.)

Hey!

~Ahh! He's contagious ::dives onto the floor as Peter throws a pillow at him::~

**August 8, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

**    We have arrived at the ****Snake River**** Crossing.**

~Alright, we can walk, caulk, wait or ask an Indian for help.~

No magic logs?

~No magic logs.~

(I could get some, as I'm a-)

^Sirius, not again.^

*(dripping with sarcasm)Why don't we ask the voice?*

^Good idea Snape. Oi, voice, little help.^

{Use the Indian...or to be politically correct the Native American, who was probably forcibly and unfairly removed from his land at the hands of the oppressive whites.}

(Er…Indian.)


	12. Fort Boise

**August 9, 1848******

**    We had no trouble floating the wagon across.**

^The voice sees.^

~The voice hears.~

(The voice knows.)

Praise the voice!

*::rocks back and forth::*

**August 11, 1848******

**    We found some wild fruit.**

(::sings:: Born to be wi-i-ild! ::Remus pounces on him::)

 **   Bad water.**

**August 12, 1848******

**    An ox died.**

(Quidditch!)

~Quidditch died?!~

^I loved Quidditch!^

::sniff:: He was a good ox...

*It's a fictional ox! It's doesn't exist!*

I think Snape's in denial.

*And I think you're delusional.*

**    Bad water.**

It isn't going away.

^Shush! It might hear you!^

*What?*

^Whatever keeps telling us the water's been naughty.^

*Aren't you going to blame the Voice?*

~No! The Voice would never be that evil!~

(::eyes wide:: M-maybe it's the Anti-Voice.)

^N-n-no!^

::scream::

~B-but…it can't be!~

*What?*

^The Anti-Voice ::lights dim:: the opposing force in the universe which shall be vanquished by the Voice at the End of Days.^

~The Anti-Voice is everywhere, it is fueled by the…oh, I can't say it. Sirius.~

(It's fueled by the ::gulp:: Trachea of Destruction.)

::whimpers:: A-a-and d-d-don't f-forget…

*What now?*

^The Larynx of Death.^

*::shakes his head::*

**August 15, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

(Ah! The Trachea! The Trachea!)

**August 17, 1848******

**    We found some wild fruit.**

**August 18, 1848******

**    No grass for the oxen.**

~The Anti-Voice is gaining more power!~

**August 20, 1848******

**    No water.**

~^(::cower::)^~

*::massages his temples::*

**We have reached ****Fort****Boise****.**

(Ah make it stop!)

^The sound! It wears upon my eardrums!^

~The Anti-Voice…it…it has me! Help!~

Remus!

(::hits Remus over the head with _Quidditch Through the Ages:: Release your hold! Voice! Free Remus from the hand of evil!)_

^It's throat, Sir.^

(Whatever! :hit Remus over the head repeatedly::)

~Ouch! Alright Sirius, I'm back!~

(::hits him once more for good measure and then stops::)

*::sighs heavily::*


End file.
